I had to make a work call on Monday and during the pleasantries portion, the woman on the other end of the line sighed happily and said, "Don't you just feel so much lighter and more joyful now that it's all over and Decided?" And, guys? I did not tell her to cram her entire worthless self into a blender and press "purée". I held back. Didn't do it. And for my enormous sacrifice, I would like to suggest that I am perhaps the strongest human who has ever lived and should be feted. I want a sash. And a scepter. I'll use the sash to strangle Matt Gaetz and I will slowly but steadily force the entire scepter into Mike Lawler's open earhole. Starting with the fancy end.

There's a very cute little boulangerie next to my subway stop and I've been going in there almost every day and getting a raspberry beignet. It's a beignet kind of week. They're delicious, but it's also been really nice having something soft and doughy to sink my canines into; it's either this or a senator's throat.